An accurate description of my last week would be to describe myself as a “rabbit in headlights”. I’d had a dawning realisation – it’s the end of January. In the same way I forget my own birthday, I neglected to notice that I will finish work in two weeks, say goodbye to family in Perth in three weeks, and have left the country in four weeks. Around six minutes after this realisation, an overwhelming anxiety about money generally, and work in the UK. While I have money, I don’t have enough to cope with major fuck-ups.
Strangely enough, the same kind of duality is present, as with my “Don’t want to say goodbye – Can’t stay” routine of late. I am very optimistic about being able to choose the work I do and having a choice in the place I live. Though at the same time I am conscious I have no room for either laziness – or major errors, with this translating to anxiety about my ability to feed myself.
The unknown can be a bitch.
So soon I’ll say goodbye. I’ll do my best, and work my arse off when I get there. What else can I do?
ride that anxiety like the wind!!! a black doorway is better than a closed one. copyright johnow 2010
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