I’m not sure exactly when there was a change in perspective, but I remember noticing it when I was going for a walk to find a cafe in Berlin. I hadn’t been able to realise it until that walk, as I think it had always been present since landing at Schipol Airport. I had spent the first few weeks truly alert and on guard.
I remember being very focused on my personal safety, giving a lot of attention to my immediate environment, the place we were to sleep, and on more than one occasion checking over my shoulder to see an empty street. I had many of my personal possessions (even those easily replaceable) very close by and regularly prepared to physically ensure a person provided me with what I deemed sufficient personal space. This in itself is very unusual for me, and the only thing I remember being able to identify at the time.
Looking back, I have had this type of alertness and guarded frame of mind a handful of times during my time at work, during periods when it was highly likely someone would be seriously assaulted. After around five weeks in Europe, it may be that I was too tired to maintain this, or I simply had experiences which proved it unnecessary. I imagine it was also hindering my experiences here. I remember very clearly walking down Danziger Straβe, and noticing that this feeling had given way to something very subtly different. The difference was I was (and still am) aware of my environment, though without the constant vigilance associated with impending danger. More importantly (to me) I had the ability to identify the feeling I’d been having.
I then knew why I had more energy, why I was able to easily notice the streetscape, the voices, people’s clothes and the sunshine. I know why I still notice the sunshine, the chatter, the street – and the very occasional dodgy situation. I love how a subtle difference can have a profound effect.
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